" Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there. "

Disturbed. Thoughts. Frustrated. Misses. Desperation. Tantrums. Despair.

When the ache hurts so much, when the pain is more than you can bear, let go and forget.

Don't hold on. The more you give, the more wounds would be inflicted upon yourself. Self inflicted wounds.

Abandon the thought of knowing the truth. Knowing the truth only shows you been living a lie.



When out w Sarah on Sat. Wanted to tan but guess the weather wasn't in my favor. Met Aaronn. Took up the invitation to watch fireworks at Esplanade w Maine. Together w Sarah n Aaronn, we took a slow stroll to Esplanade. The moment we reached the outdoors, the fireworks started.

It was so beautiful. It was. I smiled. Everyone look so happy looking at the spectacular view. I missed a certain someone. I wanted to have that person there to share the joy.

Stayed at the ampi-theatre to listen to Deb Fung... She was really gd... Maine and Jia hui joined us for awhile. Her songs were self written so it was on life. On depression. On darkest places of life. On things that happen in life.

Went home after tat... walked passed, only wishing to see if I was able to missed the person so much, that someone would appear.

Nope. Things don't work that way.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

" For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.' "


Days have been going past REAL fast, dun you tink? Everyday seem to past... and as time past, I realise my life is passing me too... and as I watch my life pass on, I find there is alot of things that I have missed out on... Alot of things that I didn't get to experience... And many that left me memories.

Memories that made me smile...
Memories that made me cry...
Memories that made me jump with joy...
Memories that made me quiver and tremble...
Memories that made me feel fortunate...
Memories that made me feel I've been torn apart...

I'm starting another part of my life soon... To face the society.

After so many months of nagging at me to get a full-time job... " I GOT ONE! " Heez! Congrats me now my dear frens! Hahaa!

I'm starting work real soon! I duno how it will be... but I do hope I can make it thru... ( its a contract based)

Flare up at my AIA boss todae, cos I was gettin so frustrated with
1. Him keep calling my full NAME
2. The SUPER-DUPER IRRITATING investment file of his
3. His Very unappreciative tone
4. His reminding that he is paying me
5. The way he thinks I'm so gona get him killed
6. " not that I dun wana increase ur pay, bt you need to do a much beta job "

7. " I noe you r very smart, you surely can do it "
8. " I'm very busy Sandra, I dun hav time you noe "

Yup! I kinda got real annoyed and kinda answered him in a Super irritated 1 word tone. He was shocked I presumed. So he started being like super nice to me. And if anyone noe me... I can't take the soft approach. I crumble under that.
So as you can guess... I felt like a total devil and idiotically irritating kid. I apologised anyway.

I'm really starting to feel all the tireness creeping up on me... Taking up 3 jobs to earn really is draining me. Maybe lik I said, cos there is a job that makes me smile but there is also 1 that gets me distress...Now I have a full time job. Wats gona happen to the 3 jobs? Keep them? I dun have that much time... Dump all? Nah... bad choice. Arghhh!!!

Heard a really sad love story belonging to a fren. If cos of the things that she is doing and have done, ur feeling faded, y do you hold on? You replied " its more of the commitment and responsibilities..."
I dun ever wan my love to turn out this way. Cos its the saddest kind of love. Cos you don't love the person at all.

Congrats to HL for getting a job too! You go gal! I'll pray for you okie!

Congrats to my dearest FISH!!! You finally pass ur TP! Hahaa! 10 pts, you r not so bad after all. The thing is you can finally show me your driving skills... Heex!

These daes Donkey is really stressed out w her studies. She seem to snap kinda easily... and Cin n her seem to hold a tension between them.
" When did our outing became so boring. " I noe when Cin said tis she muz felt horrible inside. Guess she really miss the time Donkey would juz tok n pay attn to wat she was saying...

Cin I totally understand wat is on ur blog and I love that paragraph... Wanted to blog it too! bt You got to it first again! hee!

A little something to make any one of you smile...
Airplane: Funny Movie Quotes
There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Cute? Heex! Hope it brighten ur dae...

I been listening to Fan Fan New songs and I really love Yi Bi Yi... I hope I can sing it to someone...
I oso another song by her and Zhang Shao Han cos shows love is the same, have the courage to face who you love. Even if she's a gal...

Would U give up everything? Would U not care how ppl tink? Would U bring me on a holiday? Do U tink of me everyday? Do U believe this is love? Do U believe we have each other?
If U do then I'll love U...

" ' Here's what I mean by building your own little subculture, ' Morrie said. ' I don't mean you disregard every rule of your community. I don't go around naked, for example. I don't run through red lights. The little things I can obey. But the big things - how we think, what we value - those you must choose yourself. You can't let anyone - or any society - determine those for you.
' Take my condition. The things I am suppose to be embarrassed about now - not being able to walk, not being able to wipe my ass, waking up some morning wanting to cry - there is nothing innately embarrassing or shaming about them.
' It's the same for women not being thin enough, or men not being rich enough. It's just what our culture have you believe. Don't believe it. ' "


I got a taste of what the culture is doing to me. " Get a job! You need a job." , " do anything, as long as you are earning an income. " ,
" Settle with what you have first. " , " Give it a try. Give him a try. "
Don't anyone see... To settle with anything is to announce, ' It's what I wan. Its my destiny. I gave in. '
Nope? I believe most of you will say, ' its juz a try. Can always change when more stable. ' But how many of you really left what you started out? Is it really what you wan? If it is, I'm glad you are really fortunate and happy. But are of of you really happy? Or it's just becos you alr took that step and to reverse it is too much a chore?
I don't want to have to settle. I don't want to believe in the culture.

I felt miserable and worn out. The start of the day was bad. I didn't get enough sleep from the previous day and my joints were in pain. I seem to be starting alot of wars.

At Bevi, I started an open war with Eileen. I openly show dislike for her. I hated the way she tries to make things difficult for me. I actually had quite enough of her and her irritatin Joan bullying. me. She made it clear she didn't like me either so there is nothing I can or will do to try and be nice to her. So what if she has Eloise to be there for her? I DON'T CARE.

Then tis stupid guy kept msging me! The dae b4 went to MOS w Jess and HL, went tis grp of guys came up and 1 of them sort of is a ' neighbour ' who stays below me. 'So?' i tot. Didn' bother. then his fren came back wanting my no. and HL gave it to him.
Then he started msging me to ask if i wanted to go back together. Then went I said I was les and my gf is comin for me. tink wat he said.... ' les one day oso will turn straight one. ' I felt at that point slappin him.
Jess and HL took my fone n replied him tat I loved my gf and he actually told me he noes I have a dog and he had liked me for 5 yrs! I totally freaked out. I dun get it why anyone would say I'm lucky. This is not Lucky.

He kept msging me, so I got so irritated I msg HL to say he is bothering me. And she told me y not give it a try and be frens. So I told her straight that I dun even noe who the hell he is! how to try. And she juz msg me to say she is sorry for trying to turn me straight.

What does that mean ? What issit w being les and being straight? Isn't it still love?
Maybe you meant not wanting to seeme hurt anymore but can you assure me that if I'm w tis guy or any guy that I'll be happily ever after? If you can give me that assurance, I'll find a bf straight away.
You been thru it. You been hurt b4. You finally manage to find someone who love you so damn much, you are truely lucky. But did you pick him up from the streets?

Y can't she see that its not about being les or turning straight or is it about ' her '. It's just that I have more then enough frens to need to know any tom dick harry on the streets. And worse he is kinda stalking me. None of my frens noe anything abt him and I don't even noe he existed. and he noes so much abt me. It's scary.

I'm now so afraid to go to the lift, to walk the stairs up to my place alone, to receive msgs and to receive unknown fone calls. Just the tot of meeting this person. It's nothing fortunate. What wuld you have done, how would you feel? Lucky?

Nxt went to Chris place for MJ w Phine and Fang. Then another war started there cos aft the first round, apparantly fang wanted to go home bt we wanted to continue so she was kinda pissed off and scolded me for not being a fren. Not knowing her feelings.

Well, guess I'm at fault for not being sensitive enough to see she wasn't feeling all that gd.

Anw, the day sucked. I cried. I'm tired. And no one to comfort.

" ' Whenever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. ' Guess what I got? Guess what I got? '
' You know how I interpreted that? These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of a hug back. But it never works. You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comaradeship.
' Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness. I can tell you, as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have. ' "


Do you understand what Morrie is saying? I do...

Being working and working and I'm really tired and worn out that I'm so feeling low.
Have friends around to talk to me and go out together but I'm still constantly feeling easily upset and irritated. Know I'm quite a bitch these days...

Did stewarding at Bevi ytd. My arms are still aching til now. Think I pulled a muscle.
Did stewarding for a continuous of 4 hrs... Felt like I'm gona fall apart but I still had to keep going on cos it was my job.
Found out that some food that can look really nice can be very repulsive. Yuck!
After the battlement, I obtained a total of $ broken nails, 2 cuts that are itching like anything and a whole aching body.
Got tauted and scolded for being slow at the washing. But I wana say Thanks to Maine, Jia Hui and Eloise for helping me out. Maine even help me get back at the bully who scolded me. Really glad I had them there to help me out. And Jia Hui did a real delicious sandwich for me which Swiss cheese, tomatoes and cucumbers. If only I could eat it while it was still hot. But well, it was good nonetheless.
Eloise is a super funi character. I tot she looked liked a spider when she is bending trying to look under the fridge. Which all the long legs and arms dangling...Eek! She's cute in her way I guess. She's such a sissy bung... But she does remind me of a certain someone...

Anw, met another sissy bung too. Celeste. Cin's fren. The world is juz so small. She actually knows Weilin! they were lik buddies in AJ. She knows Ms Bao too! Interesting character.

Today was a real bad day... Woke up feeling like hell cos arms were aching and it was killing me. Then had to rush to work. Then had to rush my work, then had to rush for interview. The stupid place took me 45mins to walk to. Then the interviwer left... so I made a waste trip. then it rained so I got drenched...

These days heard a few good songs... Still in love with Jay's ' Yi Lu Xiang Bei ' , Jolin's ' Tian Kong ' and Bow Wow's ' Let Me Hold You ' . Then now there's this new song by Shi Kang Jun and Shin. Its a real sad song on a love triangle. I like the lyrics... anyone find n send me?

Feeling moody these days... and I think it will go on for awhile...

" The first time I saw Morrie on ' Nightline, ' I wondered what regrets he had once he knew his death was imminent. Did he lament lost friends? Would he have done much differently? Selfishly, I wondered if I were in his shoes, would I be consumed with sad thoughts of all that I had missed? Would I regret the secrets I had kept hidden?
When I mentioned this to Morrie, he nodded. ' It's what everyone worries about, isn't it? What if today were my last day on earth? ' He studied my face, and perhaps he saw an ambivalence about my own choices. I had this vision of me kneeling over at my desk one day, halfway through a story, my editors snatching the copy even as the medics carried my body away.
' Mitch? ' Morrie said.
I shook my head and said nothing. But Morrie picked up on my hesitation.
' Mitch, ' he said, ' the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks - we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing? ' "


Do you regret your life? Have you ever thought of stopping in your steps and stop being busy to think of your life? What do you really want? Did you go the way you are going because of money, career, family, egotistical things? Are you truely happy? Is somehing missing in your life?
To all who live with regrets, are unhappy and troubled.

A tiring day at Bevi today.... got so irritated by this customer. Singaporean.... Super- duper irritating! Kept asking me about the penne and linguine differences. FOUR times! and he still got it wrong! Oh for the peace of the god! Which part of the sentence do you not understand! ' The penne is something similiar to macoroni, and the linguine is just like spagetti except thicker. ' Can someone tell me I'm speaking in a foreign langauge, thats why he can't get it!
Then scolds me after that for not being able to accept card payments! Think I can pull all my hair out! Feel like taking a knife and start stabbing myself (-_-") Then he got the cheek to say its very expensive and refuse to give a little tips! *turn to wana stab him*
I still never get to eat the Strawberry Short Cake! I muz eat it! Its so pretty!

OMG! I'm so in love with this little baby at caffe.... So pretty... Anw, I realise at caffe I manage to see like 10 times more Breasts in a wk compared to 19 years of my life... Breasts of all shapes and sizes. Big nipple or small nipple. Rock melon or Watermelon. * for info, the smallest r as big as melons* Hmmm.... how does it feel? Is there any sensation when the baby suck on it? I really wonder... Will they feel like a cow?

On my way home from w0rk todae, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the bus and kept knockin my head against the glass window... *ouch!* Think the ppl arnd me must think I'm like so comical... Lucky I won't see any of those ppl arnd... Can you imagine they point at me and go, ' hey! Ain't you the one who keep knocking your head against the glass? ' I think I'll swoon! though I hate swooning...

I'm turning fair! I need the sun!

Oh! Congrats Donkey! You got back with Candice again after a 5 daes break up. Hear you went to look for her. I applaude your courage for the risk of getting your face in the door. Well, it paid of. You got her again. Your life is so Drama, I think you can do another ' Days of Our Lifes ' . I believe your episodes can keep me awake.
Having your gal doesn't mean you can ignore your friends okie.

Cindy, do you need me to help you file a legal sue on them for overworking you? You know if I'm a lawyer and I handle cases where workers are being illegally overworked with no compensation, I think i will be rich. I will so accuse them of indirectly trying to commit murder of another party. I'll like bring cam and video down all evidences. make sure they pay like 10k or something.

Hmm... these days I felt in love with these honey sweets. Its so cool lah! In the center of the sweet is honey! So cool rite! I'm like so addicted to it but I alr finished all that I bought and I can't get it anymore cos I don't know where they sell it! I brought it at the candy fair...

Listening to this music that is always played by ' That CD Shop ' at Tanglin and I love that music! so soothing....

Smile Sunshine!

" ' Love each other or perish. ' I wrote it down. Auden said that?
' Love each other or perish, ' Morrie said. ' It's good, no? And it's so true. Without love, we are birds with broken wings. "

Is it so true? I once told my friends that " Come on! you can live without that jerk! It's not like you can't live without love rite? " All they do was cry harder and still they had a hard time letting the love go. And all along at that time I would feel that they were silly to get themselves in all that shit of love and relationship. 1 after another. And they must be sure that it is heard by the world. I always felt that if you like each other, there is no need to announce to the whole world cos everyone would be able to see for themself. Then I found out.
1. Love is hard to let go
2. Jerks are even harder to let go
3. Get in another 1 to forget the past 1
4. To let the whole world know is a security
5. You will never be acknowledge if everything is kept hush
6. You never know if the person really love you
7. Yes! Without love, I'm a bird with broken wings and is dying soon from lack of TLC.

I hav been real busy with all the different jobs that I'm doing and to say the fact. Extremly tired and in need of comfort. ( partially due to PMS)

It seem like I surrounded by love-birds. I'm mostly hanging out with all the lovey-dovey couples. Seem like its kinda difficult to find someone single nowadays.

I'm trying to make myself super busy tis daes cos I realise I'm not exactly needed around or tot of. So making myself work and then real tired so I can just go home and doze of to Wonderland.
But it seems I'm still thinking too much at nite. I need to work more.

I miss laughing. As in from the heart. I need a joke.

Celebrated one of my clique's bdae. Miss hanging out with them.

Met someone who spoilt my mood. Don't know y things are like that....Feel sad to lose someone.

Know some of my friends are really stress with work or friends or relationship. Even goin on trip seem stressful.
Hang in ppl! The Sun will be out soon!

Todae seems like everything I'm saying is kinda random.... Hmmm... Random.

Well just wana say I'm really missing hugs and kisses... Need so soon to keep me alive.

Fell in love with ' Let me hold you ' by Bow Wow and Omario. Such a sweet guy. I want someone like that...

" Listen, I said, picking up the recorder. We don't have to use this. If it makes you uncomfortable - He stopped me, wagged a finger, then hooked his glasses off his nose, letting them dangle on the string around his neck.
' Put it down, ' he said. I put it down.
' Mitch, ' he continued softly now, ' you don't understand, I want to tell you about my life. I want to tell you before I can't tell you anymore. '
His voice dropped to a whisper. ' I want someone to hear my story, will you? '
I nodded.
We sat quietly for a moment. ' So, ' he said, ' is it turned on? ' "


In life everyone would at least expect 1 person to listen to them. That 1 person they are able to fully pour their happiness and sorrow out to. Just 1 person who will listen tentively to whatever you are saying. Just 1 person who will put down everything on hand n like stopping time at that point, slow down all the hectics of life and just smile and listen to you. Do you already have such a person in your life? Then you are lucky. I need someone to listen to me, to make me feel comfortable, will you?

Haven't been blogging for a long long ago time. Life for me has alot of ups n downs. I smile at a job I'm doing, I become bitter at another and I get utterly depressed over yet another.
At times like that, it just makes me think. Think of the past, think of the future and think of how I should proceed now.

At times all I wanna do after a really tiring n upsetting day was to find someone I'm totally comfortable with n just pour out all my upsets and happy events. Someone I can complain so there will be comfort. Someone who I can cry to and get a great big hug. Someone I can laugh to and in return a beautiful smile. Someone who will just listen, stop time, give me all the time, and just listen.
But then at that point I realise I don't really have such a person around.

I have friends. Beautiful friends. Caring friends. Loving friends.
But everyone has someone they want to listen to. everyone has someone they want to comfort. Everyone has someone they want to give a big hug to. Everyone has left that most beautiful smile for someone. Everyone has someone they want to stop time for.
But I'm glad at least at times, I still have friends to keep me occuppied. Happy to know they are happy.

I'm tire... Everyday seem tiring. Physically due to all the work and emotionally burden.

Was working at Pasir Ris and I always listen to Jay being played by one of the cds store. Sad songs, happy songs... Songs I love, songs I used to share, songs I used to be happy listening to.
Guess the person love Jay too. I shall find out which store and go to the person and pointing in his face, ' His mine. Keep your hands off. ' Hahaa!

I suddenly feel like taking Neo-prints. Feel like going to the Zoo. Feel like wearing uniform. Feel like running. Feel like just sitting at the beach and look at the sea til the sun goes down. Feel like staying up thru the nite studying hard for some thing. Feel like having a Lemon Chupa Chup in my mouth and walk down the streets in berms...

Thanks Cin for buying me tis lollipop that you can blow and make music! I love that sweet! I used to always eat it went I was young til i cant find it anymore. Now I know all the childhood sweets might be available at heeren basement! Heex!

Is everyone getting on well? Is everyone happy? If anyone needs a listening ear, I'm here! Smile!

Hey ppl! tag me! I took a really long time to do my tag board! Hahaaa!

Donkey! Take care of your knee! N lend more magic tricks! I need entertainment. Hee! And stock up on jokes! I may need them soon. U're the Best!

Hey the ladies in my life! R you all really so busy? Okie, besides the boyfriends exception. Can you spare a little of your lovey-dovey time for me! Hello!
and Jess thx for msg me tis morn to show signs that you tot of me.

I totally goin hysterical cos my fone has prob and it ate up my msgs! TEN! TEN of them! I can just die on the spot!
To the fone: ' don't you know wat is call ASK! How can you just make TEn of my msgs disappear! Stupid! '

Everyday comes and everyday passes, if i was really in tot, please show how much u care, the tot of me when u are keying in that msg. Or leave it. Dun bother urself with the time to even send a automated order. Every msg u send should be filled w the tot of the person u r sending it to. Even if its hard, at least for that moment. Thats all I ask for.

Sandra
1985

+ tiffany
+ HL
+ Wendy
+ Donkey
+ Cindy
+ Keong
+ MaoMao

+ auntieSusie
+ Forever@21
+ CrazyShoes
+ Maine's
+ HL's

+ Twit Twittering



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