"
'A few questions that I need to know... How you could ever hurt me so? I need to know what I've done wrong, and how long it's been going on. Was it that i never paid enough attention? Or did I not give enough affection? Not only will your answers keep me sane, but I'll know never to make the same mistake again.'
'You can tell me to my face. Or even on the phone,you can write it in a letter. Either way I have to know. Did I never treat you right? Did I always start the fight? Either way I'm going out of my mind, all the answers to my questions I have to find.'
'My head's spinnin', I'm in a daze. I feel isolated, don't wanna communicate...' "
I ever put tis up on my old blog before. I duno if any of you remember. I always like tis paragraph of words cos it kinda has a very sad touch to the kind of helplessness.Maybe not everyone will feel it, but its there.
The first time i posted it was cos I was upset n those were the questions I had in my head. N yes, I wanted them to be answer. I could feel I was going insane. I was being deserted.
This time I'm crushed. Not only had I to be reminded of the sorrowful 1st time, I had to take it from ppl who plays a part in my life.
Losing all faith and trust... I've grown up... to understand that I was the naive kid. 1 who believe it was the greatest fortune to have all the loveliest ppl around. To understand everyone has different faces. To understand the more I trusted the person, the more dispairing I will get. To understand I may feel the person importance but I may not even exist to the person. To uderstand the faith I put in turns to faithlessness. To understand all smiles are just illusions 1 feels. To understand the little hope I hold turns to hopelessness. To understand I can forgive n forget in an instance but ppl may hold it always to their heart. To understand There are memories I want to remember forever but you may wish to never be reminded of them. To understand the disconsolation of always think you r my friend.To understand the closer I get, the more heart-sick I'll get. To understand all innocence can be lost. To understand words I love most to hear are just lies, lies, and more lies. To understand denial is never wrong. To understand betrayal is just how life should be. To understand care and concern is to pry into my life and to dig into the most painful of it. To understand the word privacy do not ever exist. To understand to want peace and silence in life is prohibited. To understand lovers and friends are just ppl used when 1 feels lonely.To understand to always wear a mask and never show a true side. To understand all laughter and joy will turn to tears and gloom.To understand I am alone in tis world.
Why did I give up the simple happiness I had? Why did I opened up? Why did I put my defences away? Why did I think I no longer need to protect myself? Why did I think what I felt was love and warmth?
Only to end up mirthless, malcontented, mournful, heartbroken, disenthralled, soured, unfulfilled, disillusioned, troubled, tearful, melancholy, desolated...
Just pure miserable.
Do you believe in retribution? I do. I truely do. Thats why I will never do anything holding the intention of causing hurt or pain. Cause like karma, it will all come back. Leaving 1 with more than just hurt and pain. It comes back bring along the guilt, the hate, the lies.
I did something to hurt someone. And I got it back. The pain, the lies, the tears... I never manage to get out of it.
Betrayal. It made me lose my innocence. It made me come out of a fairy tale.It made everything I do seem naive n a joke. I? The Joker.
Trust. There is no trust. No one trusted me. No one believed in my words. Everyone betrayed mine. Leaving me dissatisfied.
Love. Why is there even such a word? Love is just lies, betrayal, selfishness, hurt, pain. Love is to go all out to ruin a person at all cost, to make the person unhappy, helpless, and then to always live in misery. That is love.
I woke up today to see a sweet message from cindy tellin me how glad she had me in her life.
I gave Donkey a call, and was glad she answered the fone. She was flying off to hongkong. She did not grumble abt me not goin to her birthday, instead asked me what I wanted from hongkong so she could buy it back for me.
I miss them.
Jess and HL knew I was upset but did not bother to qn, knowin I would say if I want to. They just made things seem normal.
Im sorry for always spoiling their fun.
I realise I can never get things my way no matter if I beg or cry. I realise I'll never be always smiling. I realise I'm just always taken for granted by you.
All things drained me of my simple life of joy, hope, love, laughter, trust and left me...
Bitter.
